These words echoed a famous saying attributed to the former First Lady of the United States, Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I heard them for the first time during my first NLP training when I was 14. The notion that our feelings and reactions are within our control also aligned with Gandhi’s, “They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them,” as quoted by Stephen R. Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
‘Sure thing,’ I thought, having learned by then how unfair life was from a reliable source: Telly. It was practically a family member communicating the daily wisdom and news to reinforce its message.
However, the same trainer who came up with this thought-provoking statement also made us lie down on the broken glass and walk over it without a single scratch. This made me wonder whether there was something he knew that I wasn’t aware of.
Throughout my life, these words kept popping up in my mind whenever I felt the world was unjust. I remembered that the choice was ours. It worked just fine. In theory. Yet, in practice, I knew that it wasn’t always me who created unfavourable life circumstances or said or did something that I didn’t like. As much as I wished everything would be in my hands, it wasn’t the case. Or was it?
The Power of Perception… Or more?
I knew there were subjective things like how I reacted to and perceived life events. But I equally knew that it wasn’t me who decided on a family or country of birth, the political environment, or the global economy. Yet, it was me who decided to move to another country. It was also me choosing what to do with my life.
Many things are predefined, and we have no power over them. For example, we don’t choose our parents. And our genetic wiring does affect our default mindset and choices. However, it’s up to us to broaden our horizons, educate ourselves, reflect on our patterns, and choose our reactions and states. And if that’s all I have power over, that’s a pretty good start.
Because that impacts how we feel and think. That impacts what we believe in. And that impacts what we’re willing to do and how. We can’t choose our starting point in life, but it’s totally up to us to do our best with what we’re given to redefine and reshape our destiny.
Different Starting Points
Of course, each of us is granted a different basic package. Only look at examples of people like Nick Vujicic — a world-renowned public speaker, author, husband, and father of four — born without arms or legs. Nick Santonastasso is another accomplished public figure, fitness model, and bodybuilder. He has only one hand out of all limbs. Or Tommy Morrissey, a one-arm golf prodigy who’s now making a statement in baseball.
It’s not a matter of how little we’re granted; it’s a matter of how much we can and are willing to do with that little. The power of a determined mindset leads to our minds unfolding seemingly miraculous outcomes. A great example was Milton Erickson — an accomplished psychiatrist known as a ‘psychotherapy innovator and father of modern clinical hypnosis’. He utilised the power of his mind to regain mobility after being paralysed by polio.
Our mind has unlimited potential, which has yet to be fully explored. Yet, what we do with it is driven by our mindset, which is in our hands to reshape.
There’s an advantage in everything if you recognise how to take it. A positive mindset isn’t about groundless affirmations or statements you don’t believe in. It’s about utilising what you have to the maximum capacity. For instance, being dyslexic, colourblind, or tone-deaf might seem to be a limitation. Yet, having all three, Milton Erickson attributed to them his ability to focus on aspects of communication and behaviour others would miss.
Overcoming Victim Mentality
When we claim that the world is unfair, we operate under the belief that things happen to us rather than us making things happen. This mindset attributes control over our lives to external forces, fostering a victim mentality characterised by a fixation on adverse events, complaints, low self-esteem, and learned helplessness. This attitude often includes attention-seeking behaviours, as the victim role is inherently infantile.
To break that pattern, it’s essential to step up and become an ‘adult,’ taking responsibility for events occurring in our lives.
There are many circumstances where we can say, ‘It’s he/she/they who did it.’ Yet, a question to ask ourselves is, ‘What have I done to allow this to happen?’ ‘Given this, what’s my best course of action now?’ Make sure to be clear on your course of action in case similar events reoccur.
We can blame a low-coster for a cancelled flight or poor service, or we can decide never to use that airline again and stick to that decision. If that’s the only operator we can afford, it’s our choice to become more skilful to get a new job or open a business. Equally, it’s a choice to change nothing in our lives yet continue blaming the poor service we get ‘stuck with.’
Ultimately, the only thing we are stuck in life with is our choices and our commitment to stick to them.
Dramatisation
Dramatisation is common for a victim mentality. And that’s an interesting aspect because, if you look back, you might come up with an example of an event in your life that felt significant at the time, but now you can’t imagine why it even mattered to you back then. When we’re inside a problem, we tend to make it bigger inside our heads. To see its true scale, step out of it.
What’s the Reason Behind It?
Victim mentality is also characterised by a lack of empathy and habitual blaming of others. To overcome this, it’s helpful to remember that every person has a reason for whatever they do in life.
Even when we disagree with someone and believe it’s another person’s fault, we can choose to react emotionally, negatively impacting our state. Or we can take a breath and think of why someone might have said or done something we don’t approve of or are not happy with.
Turn your Brain On
When we involve the rational part of our brain, our emotions tend to cool down. It’s an instant switch button when hurt or anger begs for relief. What’s important to remember, though, is that it’s not all about us. It’s rarely about us. Ironically, people are selfish enough to act, do, say, or think things for their own reasons that have nothing to do with us.
Even when we’ve chosen to feel hurt by someone’s actions, there is always our choice to feel a certain way, just as there is their intent with an ultimate objective to feel a certain way. It might seem different when a company’s policy affects us, but a company is driven by a group of individuals, each motivated by their interests. Empathise with others, understanding that we’re all human and have our drivers. Choose what resonates with you to decide what to accept and what not to.
The moment we shift our focus towards ourselves, becoming more self-reflective and self-aware, we have no time to blame others.
Whether we constantly wear a victim’s coat or occasionally slip into that mindset, it’s important to be aware of our patterns, reflect on them, and address them in a timely manner.
Practical Steps:
- Stop complaining when something occurs. Instead, choose to reflect on a situation. Ask yourself:
- What bugs me in this situation?
- What specifically made me react or want to react a certain way?
Identify potential triggers. These could help you identify the actual cause of a problem, saving you from ending up in similar situations again. Sometimes, we might feel like we’re almost tested by the Universe, which pushes us into identical life circumstances. Or that we’re unfortunate or have bad luck. In reality, we operate by the same patterns we need to break should we wish for different events to occur.
Equally, our response to a particular situation or certain words isn’t always a response to that situation. I remember walking once with a new acquaintance. He said something that triggered my memory about something, and before long, I realised I was upset with an innocent fellow. I was glad I had questioned myself about what had made me feel that way before I opened my mouth.
Sometimes, we react, responding not to actual words or actions but to a memory or a current problem that was triggered.
2. Stop taking things personally. Consider another person’s perspective and think: What could be their intention/reason behind their remark/action? Not only will it broaden your perspective, but it will also serve your self-esteem. Far from everything in this life has anything to do with us.
3. Be crystal clear about your wants and wishes. Set your standards to avoid being driven by emotions.
4. Articulate yourself clearly. Communicate your likes, dislikes, and boundaries immediately. Holding grudges leads to tension and psychosomatic issues. By expressing your position right away, you prevent arguments and recurring problems.
5. Set your boundaries and protect them. Once you establish what you won’t tolerate, stick to it. Protect your boundaries.
6. Count to ten when you are in doubt or about to get upset or fight. Ask yourself: ‘Do I want to react?’ There’s always a thought that precedes the emotion.
We can endlessly complain about what others did or haven’t done. In reality, we have no control over that. However, it’s entirely up to us how we choose to react and how we allow to be treated.
Life is like a magic wand. You have no choice when and which model you get.
Yet it’s entirely in your hands what to do with it.
