Our belief system determines our actions, and the outcomes of these actions reinforce or create new beliefs. Some of which might be limiting if they prevent our progress. While most of our beliefs and behaviours, whether we’re aware of that or not, often emerge from a positive intention, they don’t always align with our goals or serve our aspirations effectively.
The Gray Haze of Incompletion
The state, originally defined by Dr. Marilyn Atkinson — a renowned leader in the field of Coaching — in the Inner Dynamics of Coaching.
Developing strategies based on the negative conclusions of the past sends people into a ‘tailspin’. An incompletion spin leads to confusion, frustration, and unfulfillment. When people struggle to get what they want, entering a cycle of disappointment — their limiting beliefs become reinforced. As a result, the conscious mind, dealing with an overload of unchallenged former assumptions ends up running in loops unable to find a solution being stuck in a state of helplessness.
It’s common for people to feel the need to step back and reassess their situation, hoping to find a workable solution for what comes next. However, if this state arises from prolonged confusion about life’s direction and true priorities, it can be helpful to examine how your internal dialogue habits manifest. Understanding these patterns can reveal how you contribute to your cycles of uncertainty and frustration.
This state is often represented by a feeling of helplessness, overwhelm, or anger. These emotions create tension in the body, leading to a disempowered state. According to John Grinder and Carmen Bostic, creators of the New Code of NLP, our breathing and posture significantly influence our emotional states, which in turn determine our performance. When we experience low emotional states, they negatively impact our belief system and our willingness or unwillingness to take action, ultimately leading to frustrating results in our life projects.
The key issues that hold us back include:
— Lack of prioritisation skills.
— Established inefficient patterns and habitual behavioural responses.
— Reinforced limiting beliefs arising from prompt conclusions, often in response to failures, that you aren’t capable of achieving the desired progress.
The good news is that our inner awareness and curiosity about our actions are the first steps toward breaking the vicious cycle described above. The moment we become curious, we shift our perspective, transforming ourselves from victims of the situation into explorers of new possibilities.
The moment we become aware, we immediately rise above the problem, stepping into an observer’s shoes. The quickest way to change a negatively charged, intense state is to move from an associated position — when we see things through our eyes and live the experience — to a dissociated position. The latter allows us to observe a situation from a distance yet remain unbiased and less emotionally involved. And that helps us to maintain rationality while gaining clarity.
Conflicting Forces
There are multiple reasons why people struggle to pursue their aspirations till a logical and satisfying completion. Yet, the most common ones are:
- Short-lasting drive. That can be attributed to a lack of compelling motivation. As Tony Robbins says, know your WHY. Marilyn Atkinson in her turn emphasises: ‘To sustain the inspiration throughout a project you should recognise the deeper meaning of what you aim for. The clarity of your choices gained through authentic and powerful intention deepens your inspiration.’
- Using the wrong gear: Towards vs Against. We have two fundamental inner drivers, known as direction filters: Towards and Against. While we may have a natural tendency for one, we possess both types of motivation. These drivers are rooted in our core human instincts, balancing our desires with our need for protection. Fear, for example, arises from a positive place—its purpose is to protect us. However, this protective force doesn’t always arrive at the right time and can sometimes clash with our aspirations.
The Towards and Against motivations are inherently different. The Against motivation is driven by our reptilian brain, which is responsible for our basic survival instincts, like the fight-or-flight response. On the other hand, the Towards motivation is more energy-consuming because it requires conscious effort and decision-making. This type of motivation may sometimes conflict with our instinctual desires, but it is also more rewarding, as it aligns with our higher-level aspirations. Read more about the three parts of our brain behind our decision-making
- Conflict of Interest. Sometimes, as says a well-known hypnotist Paul McKenna, we self-sabotage our goals and aspirations when we have deeply-rooted beliefs, which we might not even be consciously aware of, that reaching these goals could be potentially harmful to us. Self-sabotage in this instance acts as a self-protection mechanism.
- Borrowed dreams. As social creatures, we often adopt external ways of thinking and values, which can lead us, especially at a young age, to pursue inauthentic goals. While these desires may feel powerful, they often lack alignment with our true values and fail to stand the test of time. As a result, we easily abandon them when a shinier or seemingly simpler objective comes along.
- Fear of failure. ‘I’m not good enough.’ ‘There are many other people who are more experienced, who already are out there doing what I want to do.’ ‘I’m too old.’ ‘I’m too young.’ ‘I’m a woman.’ ‘I’m a man.’ And so on. A history of setbacks can amplify self-doubt and damage self-esteem until we learn to treat all perceived failures as feedback. By adopting a ‘scientist’s mindset — experimenting with different approaches and assessing the results without getting emotionally involved — we can eventually figure out what works.
- Delayed Life Syndrome. The grass is always greener on the other side. The same goes for the future. In our minds, the future often appears brighter, with fewer responsibilities and endless possibilities. When we’re inspired, everything seems achievable. However, once we take action and encounter unexpected challenges, our enthusiasm can quickly fade, leaving us discouraged, and thus we tend to postpone taking action nursing ourselves in the comfort of a one-day land.
“It's important to remember that if the future were a magic pill for our current problems, its effectiveness would depend on solutions we create in the present. The future is simply the present that hasn't arrived yet — it looks brighter because it’s distant. However, unless you address your current issues, you'll continue to carry them forward, inevitably tainting your future.
- Sprinter vs Marathoner. Daniel Priestley, an award-winning entrepreneur known for helping businesses accelerate their ventures, emphasised in one of his interviews the importance of recognising your strengths and weaknesses. He pointed out that while some individuals excel at developing a broad vision and strategy, yet can’t stand a routine, others are better equipped at execution and implementation. That’s crucial to understand at an organisational level. Yet, in the early days of the project, until you can delegate parts of it, it’s useful to be aware of your traits and learn how to address related limitations. Let’s say you’re a sprinter by nature. Then your attention span might be shorter, or you might not retain an interest in a project for a long while if it becomes monotonous. In this case — break it into smaller chunks, as your brain will perceive these as different challenges.
- Global vs Specific. The above echoes the theory that some humans tend to see a full picture versus others, being more comfortable chunking a goal or an issue into multiple parts, as they have a natural preference to deal with smaller elements. This determines whether you’re a goal or a process-oriented person in general.
However, while it’s important to recognise where you’re on this spectrum, it’s equally important to utilise both approaches to achieve set goals. First of all, you need a well-formulated outcome. As McKenna put it: ‘If you put vagueness out there you get vagueness back.’
Yet, to achieve this outcome you need to stay inspired all the way through until your goal is accomplished. And that’s where the focus on the process becomes crucial. ‘The beyond-conscious mind of a human is like the centre of the baseball diamond. It can move the player toward the aim and keep them on purpose. Following your intention by paying attention in the moment allows you to shape and reshape your inner life appropriately toward your goal.’ (M. Atkinson)
According to Dr. Atkinson, many people get stuck in the inspiration stage. Read these articles to find out how we send our brains the wrong signal through withholding from taking actions: THE TRUTH ABOUT VISUALISATIONS and DON’T LET YOUR BRAIN GET SATISFIED TOO SOON: THE POWER OF ACTION.
Fundamental Stages of a Project
It’s important to remember that every project consists of four fundamental stages: Inspiration, Implementation, Value Integration and Completion & Satisfaction (M. Atkinson). And neither should be neglected, as doing so not only undermines the potential success of the current project but may also negatively impact our future endeavours.
For instance, Tony Robbins advises logging small victories daily. Although it may seem unnecessary or superficial, especially when we don’t achieve significant success every day, not keeping a record of these small wins can leave us without something to lean on in moments of doubt.
Equally, achieving a desired outcome in a way that conflicts with our deeper values and/or morals might lead to our damaged self-esteem and future self-sabotage. This happens due to the lack of fundamental satisfaction when, according to our standards, we deviate from our perceived norm, jeopardising our standards.
The implementation stage is a core of progress. And that’s when it’s time to figure out HOW to achieve set goals.
However, when we don’t have a strong WHY for doing something, like getting out of bed in the morning, when it’s dark and chilly, our reptilian brain looking after our comfort might win without a battle. Our brain’s instinctual, comfort-seeking side may hold us back, convincing us that staying put is the better option. At that moment, it might even seem like the right choice.
Yet, remember, we have another part of the brain — our intelligence — that is less short-sighted and capable of considering long-term benefits. However, intelligence alone isn’t enough. It’s like a high-end car — equipped with all the latest tech, it requires fuel or charge to drive. And that change comes from re-emphasised substantial WHY — the cornerstone of lasting Inspiration.
Overcoming Limiting Beliefs
Our life is often a reflection of our self-programming.
As Paul McKenna says: constantly repeating our limiting beliefs is like a self-hypnosis reinforced through our self-talk that leads to a disempowering state. And regardless of whether we consciously recognise or not the behaviour that holds us back, we need to be grateful for its best intention. To bring it on board we need to utilise its message, yet integrate it with the benefits of our desired outcomes.
With a focus on who you’re ‘becoming rather overcoming’ as wrote Atkinson, you step up versus being stuck in a lower energy of overcoming. Through a micro-visionary practice, one can develop contingency plans for difficult steps. A clear focus on smaller, immediate steps helps to feel more in charge of a situation, hence being more empowered, and leads to a more positive mindset supporting HOW-to-address this challenge vs WHY-can’t-I-do this.
Practical Steps to Break the Pattern of Incompletion
Step one — move out of the draining ‘no change’ zone. That’s where we break old patterns and define new aspirations and possibilities.
Utilise the excitement. Use its driving force. We often spend it carelessly on dreaming, talking, and running around. Yet, the one thing that’s truly required — the step we often fail to take — is the timely first action. This is why so many of our endeavours fail before they even begin. When we don’t take that initial step while we’re in a peak state, full of adrenaline and ready to go, we allow doubt and hesitation to creep in, stopping us before we start.
Make a willful decision to welcome challenges and commit to treating them as a part of an experimental journey from the outset. It’s similar to quitting smoking—withdrawal symptoms are a natural part of the process, and it’s crucial to anticipate them before you start. Remind yourself that challenges are normal, so when they arise and part of you longs to retreat to the familiar, albeit uncomfortable, safety net of your comfort zone, you’re prepared to push through.
Brace yourself for challenges. As you progress through a project and gain a deeper understanding of its various aspects, you’ll likely encounter a phase known in NLP as ‘conscious incompetence.’ This is when you become aware of your limitations, and the project may suddenly lose its initial allure. It’s at this stage that many people abandon their endeavours, doubting their ability to succeed. However, when you reach this point, what you should do is acknowledge your growth: recognising your incompetence is a sign that you’ve become more competent and self-aware in your project.
Turn a tunnel focus on. The danger of abandoning a project is that it can ultimately lead to reduced self-esteem. To outsmart the fearful part of your brain — whose main concern is protecting you from the pain of failure — focus on the small challenge right in front of you. This focus eliminates distractions and ambiguity, preventing you from getting overwhelmed by unknown long-term outcomes. Achieving a small victory boosts your self-esteem and releases feel-good chemicals in your system, fueling your desire to take the next step and replicate that feeling. That’s called MOMENTUM.
Remember a rule of enough. First of all, YOU’RE ENOUGH. It’s also OK to stop when a result is good enough — it doesn’t have to be perfect. Sometimes, it’s useful to stop at enough-for-now milestone. Psychologically, we need a sense of completion. If a project drags forever without a feasible outcome — it’s natural to lose drive. That’s why we need to be clear on acceptable outcomes from the outset. It’s ok to address a big-enough challenge. Remember, you can progress gradually. That often is more sustainable than trying to jump above your head, being too ambitious and, as a result, withholding from any attempt altogether next time, mistakenly thinking you aren’t good enough.
Attempt what you feel like a feasible project. For some odd reason, we accept that it takes hours for a plane to cross the Atlantic, including the time required for preparation. Yet, when it comes to our own goals, we often set unrealistic expectations and then label ourselves as failures when we fall short. In reality, the only thing we’ve failed at is setting realistic plans and reasonable expectations.
Restrict timeframes. Remember, endless leads to never. Equally, you need to take advantage of the momentum.
Make a habit of completing tasks till the end. EVEN WHEN you lose a drive. Unless you want to eventually start losing your self-esteem.
‘If you begin with an understanding of what to expect during each stage, you’re more likely to complete the trip when challenges arise. Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly in the beginning. Keep going. You will learn to fail forward.’
— M. Atkinson.
